In the end, it didn't matter which lawyer represented her in court, how late she was (seven minutes), what was painted on her fingernails, or how much she pouted in front of the judge.
Lindsay Lohan is going to jail.
Flanked by reluctantly reunited attorney Shawn Chapman Holley, mother Dina and, despite her deepest wishes, father Michael, Lindsay surrendered to the court this morning to begin serving a three-month sentence which, in reality, is expected to top out at something much nearer to two weeks.
You know what they say, 90 days is the new 84 minutes.
As previously announced, Judge Marsha Revel did not allow the media scrum in the courtroom to capture the exact moment of LiLo's surrender on camera (the girl deserves to maintain a little dignity, after all), ordering recordings to cease before having the 24-year-old actress handcuffed and taken into custody of the L.A. Sheriff's Department.
"At this time, she will be remanded to serve her sentence," the judge said. "At this point, all cameras are ordered to be shut off, both still and video."
Revel said that Lohan would not be eligible for house arrest or work release, that she would be required to report to probation within 24 hours of her release and that a status hearing would be set within a week of leaving jail.
Lohan, who wore a grey T-shirt and black blazer for the hearing, did not speak. (Not even before the hearing began, when an onlooker hurled a handful of gold glitter on her.)
Mona Shafer Edwards/AP
Immediately after the cameras were shut off, the five deputies on hand stepped up to take her into custody and remove her belongings.
Before she was taken away, her dad told her, "I love you, Lindsay."
Outside the courthouse, Michael did not speak, but his attorney, Lisa Bloom, told press that he spent the morning praying for his daughter, that he did not believe she should be incarcerated and that he will, as always, support her.
From here, as expected, Lindsay will begin processing at the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood, Calif., where she will spend her sentence.
Lohan left the courthouse through the back garage. Eschewing the traditional black-and-white county bus, Lindsay's getaway cars were two unmarked sedans.
"She was still wearing her sunglasses," an eyewitness told E! News. "She peeked up to see if anyone was around and then ducked back down. She was wearing the same clothes."
She then headed off to jail and first up is the processing phase of her stay—fingerprinting, photographing, cell assignment, SCRAM bracelet removal and kicky orange jumpsuit wardrobe change. Back in 2007, Lohan barely got through that part, spending just 84 minutes in the facility's hallowed terrifying halls.
Sheriff spokesman Steve Whitmore confirmed Lindsay's arrival and said that she was currently undergoing the standard medical and psychological triage routine that's typical of any new inmate.
"At about 10:11 this morning, Ms. Lindsay Lohan was booked into our facility to begin her sentence," he announced. "She has been extremely cooperative and everything is going smoothly."
He said the remand order is currently being reviewed and that the department did not yet have a projected release date. He also shot down a reporter's query as to whether the star would get the so-called Paris Hilton treatment while in lockup.
"There's no such thing as that," he said, adding, "people with this kind of notoriety are kept away from the general population."
Holley and D.A. Dannette Meyers also offered up similarly curt press conferences this morning.
"I think Lindsay is a talented young woman," Holley said. "She's scared as anyone else would be but she is resolute and she is doing it.
"Lindsay is complying with court orders and she asks for your prayers."
Meyers added that she was "absolutely satisfied with the outcome of today's hearing."
"It went as expected, everything is fine. I think the sentence handed down was fair."
This time around, Lindsay will prove particularly unfortunate if she ends up serving much longer than three weeks. So overcrowded are the Los Angeles County jails that nonviolent offenders rarely serve more than 25 percent of their original sentence, which in Lindsay's case would be just 22 1/2 days.
Taking into account this morning's events, that means she may already be down to 22. See how time flies? She'll be back booking Disney movies in no time.
Well, she'll be back, anyway
—Additional reporting by Claudia Rosenbaum and Aly Weisman